Cry, Even Better If You Beg - Chapter 137
A strange routine soon formed between Matthias and Kyle.
Kyle would step in to take care of her when Leyla came to consciousness, and Matthias would take charge as soon as she fell into a deep sleep.
It wasn’t intentional, but it just came to them naturally.
A wordless agreement between the two of them.
Fortunately, a few days later after the whole kerfuffle, Leyla’s fever was finally breaking, little by little.
The military doctor was relieved that it turned out to not be pneumonia, which was the worst-case scenario for the pregnant woman. He was also quite certain that should the woman die, he too would be killed by the major for his failure.
“All that’s left to do now is to leave it to the patient.” He cautiously informed the Major, who was holding the hand of the woman as soon as she fell asleep.
“To do that,” the doctor started anxiously, “Her comfort is of utmost importance. Please refrain from stressing her out in any way, and not handle her so roughly.” The doctor eventually laid out.
While he was afraid for whatever lashing out the major would give him, this too was necessary advice. If the Major wanted to keep the woman alive, he needed to heed this advice as well.
Matthias stood up abruptly, making everyone else in the room flinch. He remained quiet, before letting go of Leyla’s hand. Kyle, who brought her meal just in time, finally entered the room.
They locked eyes with one another.
As they continued to hold each other’s gaze, the nervous eyes of the military doctor flitted between them, as he gulped down his trepidation. Duke Herhardt and his family doctor’s son. More and more the rumors about the Duke stealing the doctor’s son’s woman were becoming more truthful with every passing time.
Fortunately, the silence did not last very long.
Matthias eventually stepped back, and Kyle finally took over his recently vacated space beside the unconscious woman. And just in time too, as Leyla finally opened her eyes.
“Kyle.” A bright, and pleasant smile spread across Leyla’s lips as soon as she saw him.
“What about the note? Did you bring your geometric note?” She asked him incoherently. Kyle gave her a soft, and despondent smile in return.
She was still half delirious and crazed from the high fever. He’d play along with her until she got better.
“Of course I brought it.” He piped up softly, wiping down gently the sweat from her forehead, “That way, I can get dinner from you.”
“No, not yet.” she mumbled, looking around with a frown.
“Don’t you want to have dinner, Leyla?” Kyle softly inquired, waiting patiently for her response.
“Uncle Bill hasn’t come yet.”
Kyle blinked back the tears stinging his eyes at the mention of him. He cleared his throat for a bit to compose himself before responding to her.
“U-Uncle Bill had told me he’d be running a little late, Leyla.” Kyle excused as he smiled brighter after rubbing his red-eyed face in a hurry.
Matthias watched them from a distance from the bed, hidden from her direct line of sight.
He watched as Leyla smiled like an innocent girl and believed Kyle’s words almost immediately, not an ounce of hesitation. And Kyle was there, carefully feeding her porridge, blowing on every spoonful to cool it down for her.
What a cozy and peaceful sight.
One he’d never had with her at all.
After watching them for a moment more, Matthias swiftly turned on his heels, quietly turning around to avoid seeing more.
As the bright sunlight poured over him as he went out into the hallway, a bitter smile paved its way to his lips.
Matthias did not return to his room until late at night. Kyle had just left the room, and now only Leyla remained in it, deeply fast asleep.
The fever was finally breaking albeit gradually, but at least Leyla’s breathing was no longer ragged and wheezing. She was breathing normally once again. Thanks to this, Matthias can observe her endlessly in the undisturbed silence. Her face was calm, almost as if she was in a pleasant dream. He didn’t know what dream she was having.
But he was certain of just one thing about it.
He wasn’t in it.
He didn’t want to think about the mess around him, but eventually, he found himself in the bathroom, cleaning himself up. He took longer than usual in the shower, hence by the time he got out, Leyla was awake.
The woman was lying still, staring up at the ceiling like an innocent child. He hesitated for a while, but Matthias still approached Leyla.
Upon hearing his nearing footsteps, she turned curiously to look at him. Eventually, it hadn’t come as a surprise to him that as soon as she saw him, her innocent and wide-eyed look was soon replaced by a frantic and unbridled fear.
“No, don’t do it!” She whispered pleadingly at him.
Matthias continued forward, stopping by the bed, and lifted the covers, watching her shrink in fear with his proximity. He found himself not minding it one bit, before pulling her closer and began to remove her clothes anyway, and proceeded to wipe down the building sweat and grime all over her body.
She gasped and whimpered at his touch, thrashing weakly in his grip, but he kept going. She shook his arm off of her weakly, and when she realized that it was useless, she covered her face with her hands.
He could have gone and ordered a woman to do this, their military wasn’t short on staff female nurses after all. But he didn’t want to let anyone else near Leyla.
He hated seeing someone else fretting over her, being with her, touching her, and seeing her the way he did now. It didn’t matter if it was a man or a woman.
Only he must be with her.
Matthias kept carefully wiping her shivering and frail body. As soon as his hands reached her stomach, his frame froze for just a moment.
While Leyla was growing weaker due to her sickness, the child kept growing persistently. He had hoped that somehow she would miscarry eventually and Leyla would be back to full health, but the child stubbornly remained healthy in her belly.
Truly it could only be his child, seeing as it was persistently sticking close to the woman, like he was. Funnily enough, while Leyla would have no qualms in leaving him behind, seemed to be quite enamored with the small parasite she was ready to even die for.
At that moment, an ugly feeling bloomed in his chest toward his unborn child.
He envied and hated the child like crazy. Back then, he only had to be content with Kyle Etman and Bill Remmer. But the old gardener was already dead, and Kyle was no threat to him.
And now this parasite of a child.
He did not doubt that Leyla would put even her favorite birds, flowers, and even grass above him. His situation was truly miserable and pitiful, and frankly pathetic, but he couldn’t get rid of his feelings for her.
‘Should I just get rid of everything?’ He wondered curiously. The urge to do it was strong, to get rid of everything in his way to be with Leyla, despite his rational side saying otherwise.
If he were to get rid of everything she loved, she would have no choice but to stay with him. A crazy thought, but he could do it, he supposed. He’d drive her mad, just as she did when she left him.
He hadn’t seen it before.
But one day, his love will eventually kill Leyla, won’t it?
But this was how he loved her. He didn’t know how to love this woman any other way. He didn’t think he’d need to find a different way in all his life.
Matthias fixed the towel and grabbed it as he gathered his racing thoughts, calming down his breathing. His eyes stared deep into the abyss, even as he laid down and covered Leyla in new pajamas.
“Let’s sleep”. Matthias whispered, sweeping Leyla’s hair over her forehead and cheek.
Leyla nodded at him breathlessly, and soon closed her eyes. She didn’t feel like she fell asleep. She would have just wanted to avoid it. She can’t afford to lose her bearing around a man she hated and feared so much.
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Matthias remained by Leyla’s side though, despite knowing how much she hated him.
It was good to see her either way. He loved her so much, about as much as he was sick and tired of himself.
When she woke up, Leyla was in Matthias’ arms again, encased securely and gently in them. The morning sunshine seeping through the window was illuminating them beautifully together.
As her mind gradually focused back to the present, one by one her memories came flooding back to her during her fever.
She remembered vaguely complaining during her sleep. She also voiced her wishes to go out. She also remembered feeling frustrated. She only wanted to get some fresh air. And yet she remembered Matthias giving her a hard, cold glare, obviously not allowing it.
But they were all so fuzzy, they seemed surreal.
Leyla chanced a glance at Matthias, before turning her eyes to look at the sky over the open window. He was still snuggling deeply, his back to the window as his arms wrapped warmly around her. His fingers were absentmindedly stroking and caressing the small of her back, feeling like a small gentle breeze was running through her.
“Leyla.” He called out, snapping her gaze back to his now opened lids. He’d finally awoken, but then he lowered his gaze from hers and turned to the distant sky before he locked eyes with her again.
“Leyla.” He called out in a whisper, almost like her name was the only song he knew to sing. It sounded too sickly sweet in her ears, she couldn’t help but listen to him.
“Your child is okay. I’m happy it’s fine.” He hushed her gently, as he kept stroking her lovingly. Subconsciously, she sank deeper into his arms, feeling her heart jump with hope with his gentle words.
‘It was only because he panicked after all,’ Leyla thought to herself, ‘He’s only human, the stress surely clouded his judgment. He doesn’t hate his child after all.’
“Still, I need to have it, to have you again.” he continued, before his arms marginally tightened around her frail form, “But I must admit, I find myself rather furious with it.”
Leyla’s heart leaped to her throat in his words, a cold dread slowly filling her.
“I keep watching you cherish it dearly, and yet you keep casting me aside, declaring your endless hate for me, and I can’t stand it.” He hissed, holding her closer to him with every passing statement, “I need it to have you, and yet I hate it so much because you love it so.”
She looked up at him, in a mix of trepidation and confusion. He looked straight into her eyes, as the sunlight cast shadows over his face.
Was she still in a fevered hallucination? Leyla couldn’t help but wonder.
It must be, she desperately wished. She couldn’t imagine any father talking about their child like he was. Surely this was just a nightmare she conjured up in her fever, like the many others she imagined about his torture of her.
“I know better than to do it, but I can’t help but want to lock you up all over again,” Matthias smiled at her, “Even if I hostage that child you bear, I’ll do it, so long as you stay by my side.”
He cupped her cheeks lovingly, staring at her glassy, wide eyes with great adoration.
“I can do anything, no matter how extreme, just to keep you with me.”
He kept talking. About how she drove him to be like this, and how he only knew how to be with her like this. How it pained him to see her suffering so much, getting sick and delirious. And as he spouted about himself, and his treatment of her…
The child in her belly kept moving, almost as if it loved hearing his voice, no matter how cruel his words were. Leyla couldn’t help but be mesmerized by him either.
“But I’m still so happy,” He continued as he kept smiling at her, “Because I still have you in my arms like this.”
Her mind was warring, but her body and child were settled with him.
“I’m like this, Leyla. To you, I’ll be this monster forever.” he grinned, and still, she can’t bring herself to pull away…
“And one day this monster will kill you.” He declared, “And even though I will be the death of you, I can’t help but love you anyway.”
Matthias sighed as he kept muttering nonsense to her, he then kissed the golden hair he had wrapped in one hand.
In the beginning, he knew that he would never do anything to ruin this woman’s hair. He already knew at the moment when he pledged to find and kill her, and if he couldn’t have her, he would kill her and escape with only this piece of her with him as he escaped his crazed longing.
‘My queen, the ruler of my life, how can I kill you?’ He wondered longingly as he stroked Leyla’s face in a gentle caress as if he were an old man trembling with fear in the face of such beauty.
Even when this woman kept hurting him, and tearing his heart apart, he was all too willing to smile and die to be with her. And yet…
His love was only ever poison for Leyla.
There is only one thing Matthias could do for his queen.
“Go then, Leyla,” he whispered, letting her golden locks finally slip from his grasp. His other hand still gently touched her cheeks, imprinting her blinding beauty in his memory, to burn it in his mind for eternity, making him a madman all over again.
If this was where their relationship would run its course, there’s only so much Matthias could say now.
“Get well soon,” he whispered against her skin, “-and leave me then.”
It was all he could do, wasn’t it? It was all he should ever do, and yet still, his heart was raging against it. He let out a hollowed laugh, chuckling mirthlessly at his last command to her.
Letting her go was a death sentence to him.
He loved everything about this woman.
Her lips, her hair, her eyes, even more so when they’re filled with relentless tears. Even when she trembled at the sight of him, even when others scorned him now for his obsession with her…
He’ll bask in this hell he’d created because it led him to her.
He still wanted to keep her by his side, to take her child and shackle her with him forever even if she’ll loathe him for eternity.
He’ll gladly take up the role of her monster, the villain in her life, and proudly so just to trap her with him.
But he also knew.
The woman he loved the most, the one he was crazy in love with…
She was Leyla, one who thrived more when she was free and beautiful as a bird. Like the girl of Arvis, who for her whole life, sat alone on a rainy day in her quaint cabin, and spent the entirety reading the books she loved.
“Leyla…..If I can’t be your sky,” he rasped longingly, “Then I’ll let you go…..”
Because even if he were to let her go, his love for her will never wane. Not for a long time.
He’ll bring it with him to his very grave, even if it means living endlessly in tortured pain, without salvation in sight.
“But I will love you, and I will endure this loss of you…”
‘Leyla, my dear Leyla, please.’
“So go.” Matthias’ voice was as soft as the wind. Leyla just stared at him with mesmerizing eyes. His agony and beauty were so hypnotizing to her.
“Fly into your sky…far away from me.”
‘Before my love finally kills you.’
He still couldn’t bear to say the words, but for now, he’ll settle for one last parting kiss on her forehead.
“Fare thee well, Leyla.”
The child in her stomach was fluttering light, and actively. It was still dancing enthusiastically to their father’s words. Leyla could feel a warmth wash over her with his kiss on her forehead.
What a beautiful dream this was.
And yet, what sadness it gave her in return.